When we talk about growing up in the ’90s, many of us are transported back to an unforgettable time filled with a sense of nostalgia: beepers, fan ponytails, classic music, and iconic Black sitcoms.
One of my most poignant memories from that time was being cat-called and groomed by grown men. Turns out, that was an all-too-common experience.
Brandy recently detailed her version of events around dating a grown man as a teenager in her newly released memoir Phases. The alleged man in question is Boyz II Men’s Wanya Morris, whom she claims began grooming her at the age of 15 by offering industry-related advice and calling regularly to check up on her. According to Brandy, they became romantically involved when she turned 16. Morris was 22 at the time. She wrote that she lost her virginity to the crooner.
“‘My girlfriend is sixteen.’ I don’t remember when he first said it. But those four words started rolling off Wanya’s tongue whenever we were alone,” Brandy wrote in the book. “I couldn’t tell if this refrain was meant to soothe his own conscience or temper the questions shimmering in my gaze.”
As expected, when anyone shares a controversial account of an experience, you have both supporters and detractors. Some people are condemning the alleged actions of the Boyz II Men singer while there are others who have taken to accusing the “I Wanna Be Down” singer of being “fast.” I think the POV that I’m most taken aback by is that, because minors dating adults was supposedly normal in the ’90s, Brandy should move on. It’s a dangerous thing to say, considering many unethical things that have happened in the past were once downplayed as the norm. Once upon a time, slavery was normal. Women not having access to bank accounts was normal. Child brides were also common (they still are in some places). Yet we still fight for retribution for those past crimes. If those things aren’t called out in the present, they’re likely to be repeated in the future.
Arguing that grooming and statutory rape were normal in the ’90s, so they should get a pass now, is harmful. Not just to victims, but also to the progress we are making in protecting girls and women. We must call out everything that’s inappropriate until we get to a place where we feel safe existing alongside men. And that starts with redefining what is socially appropriate and morally acceptable. Also, let’s be real—many of the behaviors we’ve normalized are steeped in patriarchal values, which we know are harmful to women. And in many cases, men too.
Inasmuch as some people argue that girls dating older men in their teens was common, I can bet my money that both the men and teens engaged in these age-gap relationships knew it wasn’t appropriate. In Phases, the singer recalls that she “knew full well that what was happening between Wanya and me was wrong. And yet, my attitude was ‘This is special. This is real. People just can’t understand.'”
Teen years are tricky because you’re viewed as old enough to know better but not wise enough to do so. And when you fail to know or do better, you’re labeled as “fast.” The reality is that young girls under the age of consent aren’t fast. They’re impressionable, vulnerable, naive, often grappling with their self-esteem, and seeking external validation. Teen girls are also socialized to be agreeable, subservient, and unassertive. And that’s what makes them the perfect catch for predators. Just because Brandy knew it was wrong doesn’t let adult men who engage in these behaviors off the hook. She was a teenager who deserved a safe space to learn, grow, and make mistakes with boys her own age.
Admittedly, as a teenager, I was catcalled and groomed by older men. I dated many of them, too. In the 90s, it was cool and commonplace to have older boyfriends. Nevertheless, I always knew it wasn’t right, so I hid it from my family. It wasn’t until my early 30s that I realized I the full ramifications of being romantically involved with older men as a teenager.
During the time, I went through extensive therapy to work through childhood and sexual trauma, and a common theme in sessions was me blaming myself for the unfortunate encounters I had with grown men who knew better. Only when I stopped blaming myself and acknowledged that I was taken advantage of because young girls cannot consent was I able to release that trauma and move forward. It seems like Brandy may have had to take similar steps to heal.
Let’s stop brushing off baleful behavior because it was once deemed normal. Naming and shaming it, no matter how long ago it occurred, may save present-day teens from falling into the same traps. It could also be what a fellow girl needs to heal.