If you didn’t know who Amy Luciani was last week, there’s a chance that you do now. The video of her crying uncontrollably in her car over her now soon-to-be ex-husband, Dwight Howard, is plastered all over our news feeds. Also known as Amber Rose (not to be mistaken with the other Internet star), the reality TV personality uploaded a video outing her husband for his alleged drug use, accusing him of teaching his son to lie on her, and revealed CPS had taken custody of his daughter from their home. Shortly after the clip made its rounds online, the athlete filed for divorce.
While some social media users are sending Luciani messages of support and sympathy, others are full of “I told you so” energy. For anyone who has been following the former Love and Hip Hop star’s story, they may recall people sounding the alarm when she announced that she was dating the former NBA player. A quick blast to the past: In December 2024, the pair went public with their relationship and engagement. Social media users tried to warn Luciani about Howard’s sketchy past, which was riddled with a variety of different allegations, including claims of child abuse and assault. Nevertheless, she married the former Orlando Magic and Los Angeles Lakers center in January 2025.
The honeymoon phase ended expeditiously because Luciani filed for divorce six months later, on July 1, 2025, and a mutual restraining order was filed a day later. They reunited after the fact and seemed to be in a better place until this tearful viral video and his subsequent divorce filing.
I don’t believe in kicking women when they’re down, but I do think there are several lessons we can learn from her situation. The biggest is to not ignore red flags. Second is to learn from other people’s experiences instead of trying to be the exception to the rule.
We as women often mistake red flags for imperfections. A man with an alleged history of violence and drug abuse is not displaying “imperfections.” He needs rehabilitation and therapy, versus a loving, patient wife. It may seem noble to try to love that type of man’s issues away, but it’s arguably egotistical to think you can. Yes, we all have flaws and deserve grace, but those weaknesses shouldn’t cost someone else their physical, mental, or emotional well-being.
Clearly, Howard’s imperfections have negatively impacted his children and partners, so he needs actual help, not a new lover. It often makes us feel good when we can take credit for transforming a man, but that isn’t our job. When you take on the job of fixing unhealthy men, you’re more likely to leave with more trauma than you came with.
That leads me to my next point: our inability to learn from other people’s experiences. I get that experience is the best teacher, but it doesn’t have to be the only one. Howard’s ex-girlfriend, Royce Reed, has been sharing her own ordeal with the father of her son for years, but her warnings fell on deaf ears for Luciani.
In 2024, Reed created an entire Instagram account dedicated to telling her story and the horrors she alleges that she endured with the athlete. Luciani, who Reed claims blocked her, clearly believed she was the exception to the rule, and she isn’t the first woman to feel this way. But even if you are the exception when it comes to a man with a history of bad behavior, it usually happens after he’s done some inner work. People can change, but only when they’ve put in the effort required to become healthy individuals. We don’t have a play-by-play of Howard’s life and what he has and hasn’t done behind closed doors, but judging by Luciani’s recent allegations, and the responses from Reed and even their son, Braylon, who say his behavior isn’t new, no work has been done, and therefore, nothing has changed.
We, women, need to free ourselves from the shackles of trying to fix emotionally unhealthy men. Emotionally healthy doesn’t mean perfect; it means accountable, self-aware, and kind. Emotionally healthy people can self-regulate rather than be physically abusive, maintain healthy relationships, and honor boundaries. Knowing the difference is crucial.
The energy and resources we expend on men who haven’t begun their self-work journey are better used on ourselves and people in our communities. That isn’t to say we should only date “fully healed” men because there is no such thing as being completely mended, forever and ever, amen. It’s an ongoing journey. That is to say, we should be with men who are willing to meet us halfway and who continue to demonstrate tangible evidence of their growth. Our job as partners is to offer encouragement and support. Not to try to do healing work for anyone else but ourselves.